FIND
ME
By
Laurelin Paige
Chapter
One
“Test
today was negative,” Laynie said as I walked in the office, not bothering with
any greeting. “I’m never going to get pregnant, Gwen.”
I
dropped my purse on the couch and bit the inside of my cheek before I responded
so that I didn’t laugh. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Nope.
It was a big fat minus sign. Which means negative. Not pregnant. No baby.
Infertile. Nothing’s growing in this soil.”
I couldn’t help myself—I laughed. “It’s been
two months since you started trying. That’s not even long enough to let the
Depo run out of your system yet, is it? Have you even had a period?”
Alayna—Laynie—had
only gotten married in April to Hudson Pierce, one of the country’s richest men
under thirty and the owner of The Sky Launch, the club where we worked together
as co-managers. I hadn’t heard a word about her wanting children the whole time
they’d been engaged, but by the time she’d come home from the honeymoon, she
was in full family-planning mode. Technically my boss, Laynie’s most notable
trait was her ability to focus intently on a project until it was completed. In
other words, she was a little obsessive.
It
was actually a great characteristic when it came to work. She always thought of
everything, never missing a detail. Her brain worked on overdrive, and while
she liked to talk incessantly about business, her passion and creative ideas
made sure the subject never grew old.
An
obsessive partner was good for me, really. Besides my family and friendship
with Laynie, work was all I had to fill my time. Well, pretty much all I had.
And since she and the other two important people in my life—my sister Norma and
my brother Ben—had significant others, I spent a lot of time focused on my job.
It definitely helped with the loneliness.
But
now Laynie was obsessed with having a baby.
God,
I knew nothing about babies. Or pregnancy. Or marriage. Or being so in love and
committed to a person that I wanted to procreate with him. Somehow the constant
talk about it made me feel more alone than ever. And she hadn’t even conceived
yet. What the hell would it feel like when she actually had another human to
fixate on?
“I
have not had a period yet,” Laynie said as I crossed over to my desk, which was
set at a perpendicular angle to hers. “And that makes it even harder to guess
when I’m supposed to test. But I had all the symptoms of ovulation two weeks
ago—the raised temperature, the change in cervical fluid and firmness. That
means I should have started today. But since I didn’t, it’s possible I’m still
pregnant and the test just didn’t say it yet—right?”
“You’re
not really asking me that, are you?” I slumped into my chair and logged into my
computer as I spoke.
“Because
you know I have zero knowledge about anything related to conception.”
“But
I just told you everything you need to know on the subject. I should be having
a period. I’m not. Test says negative. Those contradict. So I could be
pregnant. Right?”
“Sounds
like you answered the question on your own.” I could sense she was about to
protest, so before she did, I added, “Hey. You’re on your own with this. I can’t
give you any insight or opinion. Now if you want to talk about narrowing down
the selections for the new chef, I can say plenty.”
She
opened her mouth to say something then shut it. When she opened it again, she
said, “I’m obsessing, aren’t I?”
I
put my thumb and forefinger up and indicated an inch. “Little bit.”
She
groaned and dropped her forehead to her desk.
“Aw.
Don’t beat yourself up. I know it’s frustrating. You decided you wanted
something and now you can’t see anything else.” Man, did I know how that felt.
But I also knew that life could go on through waiting. Even when the wait was
indefinite.
At
least she didn’t have to do the waiting alone.
I
stopped myself from saying that, afraid it would come out bitter, and it wasn’t
her I was bitter at. “It’s going to take time. Didn’t the doctor say it might
be a year before your reproductive system was reset?”
Her
head still down, she let out another muffled groan edged with an exaggerated
sob.
“I’m
not saying it will take that long. Just…be patient.” Easier said then done. I
knew that. “Meanwhile, keep trying. Have as much fun as you can being a
newlywed.”
She
sat up abruptly, her brown hair flying from the movement. “Oh, believe me, we’re
trying. All. The. Time.” She waggled her brows and her suddenly upbeat tone
suggested she was next going to erupt into a sordid tale from her insanely
abundant sex life.
Her
stories had only recently begun to induce a streak of envy that blazed hot and
fierce inside me, but I refused to let her know. Once they brought to mind
vivid memories of my own—of the man I was waiting for, of the way he and I had
been whenever we were together. I’d liked those memories. They’d given me
something to hold onto. Something to look forward to.
Now
they only reminded me of what I didn’t have.
But
I forced an encouraging smile, preferring her spicy talk to her baby
disappointment. “Please, Laynie. Don’t act as if you’re doing it any more than
you were when you weren’t trying. You two have sex drives that are insatiable.”
She
grinned. “It’s H. He can go forever. This morning, he woke me up before five,
and he still was only half dressed when his driver rang the bell at a quarter
to eight. The Pierce stamina…I tell you…”
“No,
don’t. I can barely look at him with all I know as it is.”
“I’m
just saying I bet there’s a cousin or something we could fix you up with.” She
winked.
It
was my turn to groan. “Please, no.” As for Pierce stamina, I had a feeling it
was more Hudson stamina. I certainly hadn’t found my own Pierce lover to be
able to go very long. Though, perhaps that was just because of their
differences in age.
And
that little extracurricular arrangement was not one I was sharing with anyone,
least of all my coworker. It was embarrassing and wrong—on so many levels, not
just because of the years between he and me. I was sure Laynie and I were close
enough friends that she wouldn’t judge or scold, but still. I felt guilty. As I
should. I should feel every rotten feeling from shame to disgust to remorse.
Laynie
would tell me I was being ridiculous. She’d said before that I couldn’t waste
my life away waiting for someone who had obviously flat-out disappeared. And
maybe a part of me agreed. Maybe that was why I’d let that other Pierce work
his way into my life. Into my bed.
But
I hadn’t let him anywhere near my heart, because no matter how much time had
passed, it belonged to someone else.
“Fine.
No setting you up with Hudson’s family. As soon as you say the word, though, I’m
fixing you up with someone. Just let me know when you’re ready.”
I
chewed on my bottom lip and gave her a tight, “Mmhmm,” pretending to be
distracted with what was on my screen. Thank goodness she couldn’t view it from
where she sat or she’d see that I was staring at the desktop. It wasn’t that I
didn’t want to discuss the topic, necessarily. I just didn’t know what else to
say to her. “Don’t bother, I’m hopeless,” would only urge her to convince me
otherwise. And I didn’t want convincing. Because as far as I was concerned, I’d
never be ready.
“Well,
whenever.”
I
felt her staring at me for a few seconds before I heard the clickety-click of
her fingers on her keyboard. She really was thoughtful to try like she did. It
was just still difficult for me to know how to deal with people who cared about
me besides Norma and Ben. People like Alayna and Hudson and Boyd—Norma’s
boyfriend—and Eric, my brother’s fiancé. It hadn’t been that long since I’d
been closed off to everyone, shut up inside, unwilling to let go or let others
in, and it was sometimes awkward to respond to the attention. Which was silly,
probably. It wasn’t like I’d turned into the captain of the cheerleading squad
in terms of social life or anything. But I’d definitely changed. And that took
getting used to.
Alayna
wasn’t pushing, thankfully. That meant I was off the hook, and I willed my
attention to turn to work.
I
let out a long breath and opened up the shared folder on my computer labeled Restaurant.
While I was mainly in charge of operations and Laynie was in charge of
marketing and human resources, we found our best innovative ideas happened
together. So even though she primarily worked days and I worked nights, we made
sure our hours overlapped several times a week so that we could collaborate and
touch base. Friday nights we ran the club together. She wasn’t needed then—we
had more than enough qualified managers to cover all the shifts without her
having to take a weekend night—but she said it kept her in touch with what made
the club thrive. Frankly, I was surprised Hudson let her work when he wasn’t at
the office. He was as controlling as she was obsessive. Somehow the two made it
work. Perfectly, even.
However
they did it, I was grateful that we had shifts together. Besides being a good
friend, she was an amazing businesswoman. She had worked at The Sky Launch for
several years, but she’d only taken over as manager at about the same time I
did. I’d been impressed from day one with her plans for expansion of the
nightclub, including her idea to highlight the club’s best feature—the private
bubble rooms on the second story that overlooked the dance floor below. We’d
focused on bringing in more small parties, partnering with various businesses
around town and starting a citywide promotion campaign through one of the best
advertising firms in NYC.
Recently
we’d moved our focus to her idea of having a restaurant on the premises during
the day hours. The last club I’d worked at, Eighty-Eighth Floor, had a similar
model of day-to-night presence that we’d tweaked to bring to The Sky Launch.
Presently, we were looking at chefs.
“Did
you confirm with Fuschia MacDonahough for tomorrow?” I asked, looking at our
To-Do List. For months, we’d met every Thursday for dinner at the penthouse she
had with Hudson. It was our chance to hang out in a non-work setting, though
for the last couple of weeks, we’d added a bit of the job to the routine by
bringing in one of the chefs on our short list of potential hires to prepare
the meal so we could audition their cooking.
The
recurring date had strengthened our friendship. Norma, my sister, sometimes
joined us, and every now and then Ben and Eric as well. We’d become a family of
sorts, pieces of broken people coming together like a patchwork quilt. It was a
night that I looked forward to with as much intensity as I dreaded the
loneliness of the Wednesday night that preceded it.
“Yep.
Then next week we’ve got Jordan Chase confirmed. After that we’re going to have
to make a decision.”
Her
brow wrinkled, and I prayed she didn’t go where I sensed she was going.
“Jordan
Chase,” she said again. “That could be what JC stands for.”
And
there she’d gone.
JC.
“JC
wasn’t a cook.”
“Are
you sure?”
“Yes.
I’m sure.” And the C likely stood for a middle name, definitely not his last.
Of the few things he’d told me, one had been his last name—Bruzzo. I’d kept
that information to myself like most of what he’d told me that final time I’d
seen him.
“His
name could still be Jordan.” Good old Laynie. Obsessing again. “I kind of like
that. It has a nice ring.”
If I
had the strength, I’d let her ramble on and not react.
But
I had no strength when it came to JC, and Alayna knew it.
I
twisted my seat toward her and glared.
She
was staring out into space though and missed my evil eye. “Gwen and Jordan.
Jordan and Gwen. I like that. Real catchy.” Finally, she looked at me. “What?”
“One
minute you want to fix me up with someone, the next you’re bringing up JC. Do
you want me with him or not?”
“I
don’t want either. I mean, I want you happy. And from what you’ve said about
this guy, I think he makes you happy. So I wish he would come the fuck back
from wherever he disappeared to and do that.”
Me
too.
I
didn’t want to go down this road tonight. I nodded and hoped she’d take my cue
when I swiveled back toward my screen.
She
didn’t. “But if he’s not going to come back…”
“Then
you think I should move on. I know, I know.” She’d told me enough times in
enough ways for me to feel like I understood her position on the matter.
She
surprised me, though, saying, “I’m torn, Gwen. He sounds amazing. Perfect for
you. And after everything Hudson and I went through, I believe that love can
overcome incredible obstacles.”
Nice
sentiment. I wanted to believe it too. “But our only obstacle is that he isn’t
here.” Well, that and he’d gotten married to someone else in Vegas while he was
too drunk to know what he was doing. That was another thing I hadn’t told
Alayna.
“Exactly.
He has to be here. And he’s not. So you need to make a decision about how long
you’re going to wait for him. How much of your life is worth letting pass by
while you wait for him to show up? What if he never shows up?”
It
was the question I asked myself every day.
The
answer was, I’d be lost. I was lost. Because of him, I was open and looser and
closer to happy than I’d been for most of my life. But the heart of me—the part
that believed in love and ever after and sweet kisses and romance—that part of
me was lost.
Honestly,
I wasn’t sure that I’d ever completely found it. I’d glimpsed it, though. Seen
pieces of myself that had hinted it was inside me. If it really was there, I
knew without a doubt I wouldn’t find it for real without him. Without JC.
But
Alayna had a point. How long could I wait before at least pretending to move
on?
“I
don’t know,” I said with raw sincerity.
Laynie
was silent for a moment, and I could hear the wheels in her head turning. “I
get you,” she said finally, “I do. I’ve wasted so much time on less promising
relationships than yours, and the ways I coped were far less healthy than you
simply taking yourself off the market. But Lauren, my favorite therapist, used
to say that sometimes we aren’t even interested in the thing we’re after
anymore. We’ve just gotten in the habit of focusing on it.”
Was
that what JC had become for me? Merely a habit?
I
didn’t want to think that was all he was. But if he’d taught me anything, it
was that living in the past was not living at all.
I’d
never struggled with addiction, yet now I felt like I had a smidgeon of an idea
of what it must have been like for Alayna when she’d had to face her obsessive
tendencies over men. How hard it must have been to finally try to “quit.” It
was why my father had never been able to put down the bottle and why he’d
turned to heroin—because it was that hard to give up the thing that you lived
for.
In
the same way, it was nearly impossible for me to think about giving up JC, even
when he’d only become a memory.
And
with that clarity, I realized that was exactly what I had to do—give him up.
Because I didn’t want to be anything like my father.
Laynie
was right. I had to check in to JC Anonymous. I had to quit. Tentatively I
asked, “What would this Dr. Lauren of yours say is the way to stop?”
“Well.”
She was just as tentative in her answer, all too aware of the difficulty it
took for me to even think about “quitting.” “She’d suggest setting a date. A
date that you plan to quit waiting, or in my case, obsessing, and then on that
date, you stop. Like a job. Hand in your notice today and know that this is all
the time you have left before you move on.”
“So
I should pick a date to be over JC? That sounds a little simplistic, doesn’t
it?”
“It
does. But it works.” She thought for a second then corrected herself. “Or it
helps anyway. Nothing really works except not giving up.”
I
twisted my lips, considering what she’d said. It would be easy to apply her
words to reasons to not quit JC. If I truly believed we could be together then
I shouldn’t give up.
But
it had been almost a year since he’d left me. Almost twelve months since he’d
told me that he was the key witness in a murder. That he had to go into
protection until the trial. I had no way of knowing when the trial would end,
and when it did, he was the one who had to find me. Which could prove difficult
since I’d left every part of my old life in my own need for protection. In my
case, protection from my father.
I
had faith that he could find me. But would he look? Because, yes, I still had
feelings for him, but really, when I thought about it logically, it was
ridiculous that I did. Because in the seven months I’d known him before he
left, our relationship really only added up to a total of two weeks time
together. Ninety-five percent of that had been just sex. So what was it I was
actually waiting around for? A man who had openly loved me for the space
of…what? A day and a half? That and good sex. Amazingly good sex.
It
wasn’t enough to justify being stuck for so long.
And
if he actually did love me like he’d said he did, I had a feeling he’d say the
same thing.
There
was only one smart thing to do.
I
looked down at the keyboard where my fingers were absentmindedly tapping over
and over on the same two letters—J and C.
No.
I couldn’t live like this forever.
I
pulled my hands into my lap and sat back in my chair. “The Fourth.”
I’d
been silent long enough that Laynie took a moment to register my meaning. “Of
July?”
I
swallowed. “Yeah. Independence Day. Sounds like a good day to let someone go.”
She
nodded, her expression somber, her eyes both compassionate and hopeful. “It
sounds perfect,” she said. “A total celebration. We’re all going to be on
Hudson’s boat for the night. We’ll watch the fireworks and everyone will think
they’re going off for this big patriotic holiday thing, and only we will know
they’re really just for you.”
The
year before, I’d spent the holiday watching the fireworks alone, missing JC
with every fiber of my being. Yet somehow this year’s celebration sounded even
lonelier.
“Perfect,”
I said. I’d expected to feel a weight lifted from me, but instead, it felt
almost suffocating to commit to this new plan. Felt like something inside of me
was tightening and constricting, making it hard to breathe. Like my lungs were
full of sand and my heart that had once been open was starting to close.
FIND
ME is the HIGHLY ANTICIPATED sequel to FREE ME and the Conclusion of Gwen and
JC's Story and will be available on August 25th!
PRE-ORDER
YOUR COPY AT:
Amazon Paperback: http://amzn.to/1KS4vGo
Blurb
Gwen Anders came to The Sky
Launch to begin fresh, away from the horrors of her past. She fit in quickly,
becoming good friends with her co-manager, Alayna Withers and the owner of the
club, Hudson Pierce. Though the circumstances that brought her here were not
the best, she's never felt more at home.
But starting a new life
means letting go. And there are some things she doesn't want to leave behind -
like JC, the man who taught her how to let loose. The man she wasn't supposed
to fall in love with. The man she doesn't want to lose.
Now, with the reason she ran
still a threat, Gwen fears she'll never be able to move on completely. And if
she does, can she still hold out hope that JC loves her enough to come and find
her?
Haven’t
read this series yet, check out FREE ME for
ONLY
$0.99!
Amazon
US:
About the Author
NY
Times & USA Today Bestselling author Laurelin Paige is a sucker for a good
romance and gets giddy anytime there’s kissing, much to the embarrassment of
her three daughters. Her husband doesn’t seem to complain, however. When she
isn’t reading or writing sexy stories, she’s probably singing, watching Mad Men
and the Walking Dead, or dreaming of Adam Levine. She is represented by Bob
Diforio of D4EO Literary Agency.
No comments:
Post a Comment